Poor poor Lilo, sent to jail again because she couldn’t follow the rules. How unfair is that? She is clearly the only celebrity in the history of Hollywood to be facing such unjust treatment. It’s not like rapper Lil Wayne is in jail right now as we speak, serving a one year sentence. No, 90 days is much worse than that.

One can only imagine the advise she must be getting from others who have been in her position.

Paris Hilton –

If you actually have to serve more than a week ,start having panic attacks and claim your chlosterphobic, that helped make my time easier. Oh and claim you’ve found Jesus! Become a Christian and tell everyone you’ve been saved. It’s the cool thing to do when you come out of prison and you’ll get a Larry king interview as soon as you get out. And don’t forget to have a fabulous outfit planned for when you go in and come out. It’s a perfect time to promote your legging line!

Nicole Richie –

I only served 82 mintues so I don’t actually have advice to give you. You can follow my example and made it a bad girl gone good situation. Ditch your mum as a manager, lose all the fake friends, settle down and have a baby and everyone will love you again. Then you’ll be living the simple life.

Robert Downey Jr. –

Suck it up and serve the time like a man. Use this sentence to plan how you are going to get back into Hollywood. Before you know it you’ll be in the next Iron man movie with me.

Boy George –

Keep claiming your innocent and it wasn’t your fault. Kiss up to everyone and anyone you can and before you know they’ll be letting you out for ‘good behaviour’.

Khloe Kardashian –

I only spent a few hours in jail so I cant really help with that but I think you accept the sentence, do the time and then come out with a reality show, marry a sportsman and open up a fashion store. Prison is the best thing that could happen to your career! Just use it to make you even more famous like I have.

By Nola Ojomu

It’t hot in Brighton and before I get some lunch I thought I would set up our newest and freshest feature the ‘Slow News Day Celebrity Rundown’, and for those of you who think we’re getting in Jack’s LandRover and running down celebrities we’re not, our lawyer Buck has said we’re not insured for that.

Mark Ronson Pissed at Wino-house

It appears that Miss Winehouse has been at the bottle again and music producer Mark Ronson is a little miffed that when he asked his former money maker to come on stage to singer their hit ‘Valery’ she was drunk and forgot most of the words. Amy has been a train wreck for some time now and is there any hope for her? After all the success she had and the Grammies she won she has done nothing to try and claw back to the ‘top’.

I think Mark could do better and if Amy really wants to change then she has to. But I think the crux of this misguided attempt to get some media attention came when Amy, ever the classy lady, showed off her bra during their 100 Club performance, nice one Amy.

Cher Praises Christina

This comes without any real varification and I don’t think this is true. The main reason is though a few news agencies have run stories saying that Cher has gone to Twitter to praise her co-star in new movie ‘Burlesque’ the account has not been ‘verified’ as official. This is pretty standard for celebrity twitter accounts and it’s seems a little odd that Ms Cher has not had he account verified.

Either way this is the gushing comments made by Cher:

“Bout me & Xtina! Didn’t know her b4, but she worked her a** off,” the 64-year-old posted this week. She has my respect & a great deal of my love. I wanted 2 help her ! In my heart I think I did.”

Am not sure what to believe but think it certainly does not sound like the Cher I know!

Victoria Beckham Pissed at Party

This was one of the biggest waste of time stories I came across. Apparently to celebrate their 11 years together (no mean feat if you ask me in this day and age) the Beckham’s through a party in the south of France for close friends and family. But little Mrs Beckham can’t handle her drink and, according to reports, drank ‘most of the champaign’. Who gives a flying f**k, really, is news that hard to find?

Last year Chace Crawford was listed the summers hottest bachelor by People Magazine, now he is being arrested for the possession of a class B drug.

The American heartthrob who stole many young girls hearts with his character Nate Archibald in the fictional television series, Gossip Girl, was arrested last Friday.

Police caught him carrying 2 ounces of Marijuana at the Ringo’s Pub, in his hometown of Plano, Texas. According to TMZ.com he had an unlit joint in his hand when the cops arrested him. He was later granted bail. And as always the insiders have said he is a little ‘pissed’.

Us magazine in the states said that an old frat brother of the actor’s from Pepperdine University says the star indulged back in the day. “In college, we use to cut class and go lie on the beach and smoke weed,” the pal says. “It sucks that he got arrested!” TMZ also states that he could face up to 6 months in jail if found guilty – he maintains that the pot was his friends.

His representative would not comment.

Ironically, he will star in the new blockbuster, Twelve, to be released later on this year where Crawford plays a teenage drug dealer. This comes on the heals of Chris Klein’s arrest a few weeks ago for drink driving…no one really cared much though, shame really!

by Sarah Hartland

Additions and edited by Niger

Sitting in the office the other day I turned to Jim the 5 year old chimp we where tricked into taking on as an intern and said ‘Do you think we do enough Jim’? He looked over at me with those big brown eyes and said nothing, well he’s a chimp, but his silence spoke volumes and I called a meeting with the rest of the staff.

Sitting around our makeshift board room table, the real one was taken by the bailiffs the other week, we decided we where sick and tired of news being so down, boring, and real. We all agreed that there needed to be a place for free news, ill researched articles, and blatant one-sided opinion pieces written whilst intoxicated on ‘legal highs’.

Our staff was revived and so after 12 hours of none stop vodka and olives we created The Salient. 2010 will be known for many things, but the most important of them being our chimp inspired new publication, The Salient – News For the Lazy and Weak.

Note to readers:

The Salient is a satirical publication that aims to allow all our writers the freedom to be creative and playful with some news, opinion, and features. At no time will we aim to offend of disrespect but if we do do that then it’s probably because one of us have watched an episode of Family Guy and have stollen an idea or two.